I used to think that it was romantic to say that I couldn’t live without my husband and with my ex husband I was sure that I couldn’t. I just knew that if he was to leave or something was to happen that I would absolutely fall into pieces and die. I needed him. He completed me inside in all of the places that I was empty. I guess it’s no secret that he did end up leaving and truth be told I did fall into a million pieces. I remember sitting in a velvet red chair across from a social worker who asked me what I liked to do on the weekends. My response was simple, I liked watching my husband play soccer. She asked me what my favorite food was. I calmly explained that my husband loved pizza and so we got that a lot. The conversation went on like this for some time before she looked me straight in the face and with all of the sympathy she had reminded me that my husband had left. She explained that I needed to find myself because as far as she could tell, I was just a duplication of him.
Not gonna lie, I was kiiiiinda mad when I left that appointment. I totally knew who I was, she didn’t know what she was talking about. Crazy mental health professional. I loved loving what he loved and that was 100% healthy. Turns out that life got kinda complicated after that. I guess I didn’t really like soccer as much as I thought because I had no desire to watch it all of the sudden. I still loved pizza but it was no longer on the menu 2 days week. By some crazy turn of events, that insane lady that gets paid to help me deal with the weight of life’s problems was somehow right, I didn’t know who I was.
It’s a weird place to be, living in a world that doesn’t stop turning while you figure yourself out. I felt a little like a child, trying to find my place in the world but I was in fact an adult. I spent a lot of nights at home alone (watching tons of Law and Order SVU because I did know that I liked that) because I simply didn’t know what I would enjoy doing was I to go out. As time went on I discovered that my ex husband and I were complete opposites, which isn’t bad in the least but I had just spent 8 years thinking we totally loved the same stuff. Turns out that Thai food is the bomb and I absolutely love dripping sweat in the gym. I don’t like going to the movie theater and ice cream isn’t actually my dessert of choice, no matter how many bowls I’d eaten while we watched Netflix.
Fast forward to now and my husband is seriously the best. He’s super attractive, makes me laugh, massages my back every single time I ask, knows just what kind of food I like and knows what I’m thinking when I don’t want to say it out loud, most of the time, cause what guy always knows what a woman is thinking? And I kinda love his muscles …( inserting blushing emoji here.) But I don’t need him and I could live without him. Harsh statement? I know it seems that way but it’s really not. Saying that I need him and couldn’t live without him implies that even if I didn’t want to be with him, or felt our relationship was unhealthy or unsustainable I would never leave because I didn’t think I could make it alone. Some people might feel that me stating my lack of NEED for my husband is also a lack of love but to them I would say no way Jose. I love my husband more every day because every day I choose to WANT him. He’s the person that I WANT to kiss me goodnight and tell me he loves me, not the person that I NEED to do it. He’s the person that I WANT to make me belly laugh until I can’t breathe not the person that I NEED to do it. He’s the person that I WANT to watch play with our kids, not the person that I NEED to see with them. It’s the element of choice that makes my love for him stronger.
So many things happened during the time that my identity was a big mess. Sometimes I felt like I lost myself even more than I thought was possible but more than anything else I learned that I’m a strong, independent woman. I love pancakes and all things pink. I can pick up 245 pounds and put it back down, am I bragging? Sure am because I would never have thought I could do that. I can eat an entire package of Oreos in one sitting which I know your both grossed out and super impressed by. When I’m sad I no longer want to hide in my bed for days feeling hopeless but instead cry until my eyes can barely open and then suck it up, flip on some of my favorite music, remind myself that I’m strong and move forward. My husband doesn’t complete me because I’m already whole and so is he. I’m imperfect and he helps balance me in ways that make me a more well rounded person. He reminds me to be more impulsive and oddly enough, sometimes less impulsive. He’s the calm to my calamity. He mows the lawn, fixes the cars and plays basketball with the boys, not because I can’t and need him to but because that’s how he contributes to the life we have together. I WANT to spend the rest of my life sharing this crazy ride through life with the most amazing, whole person I have ever met. Always being willing to build each other up when we feel weak but never feeling like we’re trying to fill in the holes of a person who is personally incomplete. He’s the person I want in every sense of the word and I hope that he never needs me, instead I hope that in the course of being myself that I am always and forever everything he wants.
I’ve missed your voice and I love this so much!!!